Just going to give you a few clear points towards polishing up this poem.
Rhythm.
Everything in this seems a little loose, and if you tighten it up it will flow a lot better. For example, I think the first stanza would read better if you thought more about punctuation and the meter of the poem.
You seem to have disappeared by nightfall
For when I stared out my window I felt like a lifeless doll
Staring, looking, crying for purpose
Even to god I felt worthless
This could be- just a suggestion I'm not saying it should look like this per-say:
You seem to have disappeared
by nightfall,
for staring out my window, I felt like a
lifeless doll.
Rhyme.
I know a lot of people are against rhyming in poems, probably due to the fact that it is darn hard to master properly and so many disintegrate into something that looks like a pre-school song. But when it's done well, it can be magic. There were moments in this when it really helped the ominous, hurt kind of theme and tone, but also there were times when rhymes stuck out like sore thumbs and the end of each sentence rhyming became more important than the sentence itself. To make something rhyme with 'yield' you automatically thought to use field, and it just seemed forced. Practice rhyming, use it sparingly if needs be. Near rhymes are good tools as well.
No one likes a simple poem, but keep up the good work, I liked this a lot!
Points: 1075
Reviews: 344
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