Here's a hack job from a long time ago
-Nirvana-
You seem to have disappeared by nightfall
For when I stared out my window I felt like a lifeless doll
Staring, looking, crying for purpose
Even to god I felt worthless
The clock is having trouble deciding which way to go
I feel the same way, I'm just not sure, should I know?
I took one step and ended up in a field
Such confusion has caused me to yield
Let these illusions take me, I care not
Better off, than to rot
But where have you gone?
You weren't here to wake up the dawn
As I try to follow in your foot prints
My vision and thoughts swirls and tints
How many times will I see the floor before I hit
All is well now that the floor has split
But now I'm falling even farther
Everything comes in so clearly but in such a blur
I feel the soft touch of a hand caressing my hair
Ignore it? I shall not dare
Now I'm suffocating, don't let the darkness take me!
Darkness, my love, set me free!
I awaken with barely any breath
Only to find you to be the cause of my death
Your soft hands latched about my neck
And after this mind-boggling trek
You...You...You drove me insane
And you couldn't stand to see me in pain...
Thank you
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
Just going to give you a few clear points towards polishing up this poem.
Rhythm.
Everything in this seems a little loose, and if you tighten it up it will flow a lot better. For example, I think the first stanza would read better if you thought more about punctuation and the meter of the poem.
This could be- just a suggestion I'm not saying it should look like this per-say:
Rhyme.
I know a lot of people are against rhyming in poems, probably due to the fact that it is darn hard to master properly and so many disintegrate into something that looks like a pre-school song. But when it's done well, it can be magic. There were moments in this when it really helped the ominous, hurt kind of theme and tone, but also there were times when rhymes stuck out like sore thumbs and the end of each sentence rhyming became more important than the sentence itself. To make something rhyme with 'yield' you automatically thought to use field, and it just seemed forced. Practice rhyming, use it sparingly if needs be. Near rhymes are good tools as well.
No one likes a simple poem, but keep up the good work, I liked this a lot!
This was a really interesting poem. I liked it. The message is not unique, but expressed in a unique way.
I notice that you suddenly change about for lines into the piece from past tense to present tense. Keep it consistent, please!
I took one step and ended up in a field
Such confusion has caused me to yield
These lines don't make sense together. The one about a field doesn't seem to fit in at all, actually.
Ignore it? I shall not dare
I am really not sure why, maybe it's the word choice, but this line just sounded awkward.
You...You...You drove me insane
No. No. Not with the dot-dot-dot!